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Who was I when I started this
Who did I think I would become
Who did I believe I could ever save
Who was there to place my trust upon

What got me here standing in the cold
What brought the darkness into my soul
What if I can’t walk down this road
What memories will lead me home

Find me here
Find me now
Find me somehow

Where is the honor in feeling afraid
Where can I go to escape so much shame
Where did the bold determination go
Where is the hope I don’t know

When I’m asleep I dream of death
When I’m awake I can’t catch my breath
When I get lost I’m somewhere in between
When will it be that I come clean

Find me here
Find me now
Find me somehow

Why can’t I overcome this rage
Why does my mind fight to engage
Why is the noise so deafening
Why is everything so threatening

How can I live without the brotherhood
How will I ever be understood

How long will it take for me to mourn
How many times will I be reborn

Find me here
Find me now
Find me somehow

Katie Close

Katie Close served in law enforcement in Northern California for 15 years and held collateral assignments of K-9 Officer, Defensive Tactics Instructor, and Peer Support Coordinator. During that time, she also volunteered as a law enforcement chaplain for surrounding agencies. She was medically retired for job-related PTSD in 2018. She now volunteers for the First Responder Support Network as a peer at West Coast Post-trauma Retreat.